Well, another day down. I did good again today. I had to fast thru breakfast because I had to get my cholesterol checked this morning. It was easier today to be hungry because I was busy. When I am not at home, I have more will power. Even at a restaurant I was able to only order a salad and not eat my favorite yeast rolls. One of the concerns I see myself having is for this to become an obsession. Sometimes with me and the things I do, it's all or nothing. But that is what works best for me. Cold turkey. Not that I think I'll become anorexic or bulemic (I hate to throw up). I just think I cannot have anything that I shouldn't like sweets. If I eat one, I'll become weak and want to eat another. If I have a craving for something sweet for example, I'll just have to find something sweet that is good for me like fruit. So far I have set several goals and am concentrating on the first one. I hope to be there by summer. It is hard sometimes when some people say things. They don't realize how much it hurts even though their coments are meant to be helpful. That is when I have to tell myself they've never been where I am or where I am going. I try to give myself a pep talk. I will be glad when more time has past and I am closer to reaching my last goal. To God I am beautiful no matter what. I want to be more beautiful to myself.
Well, day one is down. I did very good I think for the first day. I ate nothing I should not have. I am proud of myself for today. On the negative side, I am hungry. I know my stomach has to shrink to fit the little amount that I am eating so right now there is a big pit in there. I hope it gets better as my stomach goes down in size. I don't know why I feel different about this time trying to lose weight, but I do. I feel more serious about it. Perhaps it is the last few weeks experience of my father's open heart surgery from clogged arteries. I don't want to have to put Chris or the girls through that when I am 70 years old. Also, I don't want to leave them any earlier than I have to. That sounds selfish but any wife and mother feels that way. Yes, I want to get to heaven but I also want to live a long an useful life. I can only do that by trying to be healthy. I also feel more serious about it because we are changing our health insurance and they are asking a bunch of questions about my health. Tomorrow I have to go for a cholestrol count. The last one I had was 2 years ago and it was a little high. I pray that it is lower now. I know it will be lower after I begin to lose more weight. I thank God that Kelry and Abby did not give me a hard time today when I took them to the YMCA with me. I asked Kelry if she wanted to go and she said okay. Sometimes they put up a fight. I usually go while they are at school. Since the weather has been bad, they haven't been to school, so I haven't been to the Y as much as I should have. Today was a great day. I pray tomorrow is even better. Praise God.!!
Well, here goes. Something I have been struggling with for the last 17 years is my weight. For those close to me who know me well enough to know that this is not the first time I have said "I am going to lose weight" just try to be patient with me as I try again. I have found a lot of info that I like from others struggling and have lost weight. The main thing is that they kept a journal. I am going to try to journal everyday, not only what I eat (which will not be posted here) but how I feel physically and emotionally. I can tell you the biggest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for not going to the YMCA and dragging my kids there when they aren't in school. I feel guilty for eating.... I feel guilty for having to wear size... I feel guilty for weighing... That is how I feel emotionally. Physically I feel good most of the time but then I look in the mirror and see myself. How did I get to be like this? How did it sneak up on me? I know what I should do but why can't I do it? Because I am trying to do it by mysef. I can't. I need the strength of God most of all with my family's encouragement helping me along. I like a few sayings that I have found that I will list: "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart -- the place where love resides." "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission" Eleanor Roosevelt. "Only I control the hand the fork is in." I realize a lot of people are perhaps going to be reading this. If you haven't been where I am, please don't say or even think anything negative and be judgemental. If you have been where I am, please feel free to offer positive advice or encouragement. Above all pray for me. One day at a time.