Well, I haven't been doing as well these last 2 days. I have been craving sweets and especially chocolate. I get this way once a month before my "monthly visitor." I have eaten some chocolate and definitely more than I should have. But tomorrow is another day and hopefully the cravings will pass. I just have to stick with it until they do. I will just have to lose again any weight I might have gained in the last couple of days. Some months are worse than others. This has been one of the worst. Only it probably just seems that way since I know I don't want to eat the kind of things I crave. I will have to just work out longer tomorrow at the Y and work off the extra calories and fat I have eaten. It seems worse when I am at home in the evenings. Well, no use crying or getting depressed over it. It is done and I have to move on and get back on track. I have been praying harder in these last few days for God to take away my cravings. Perhaps He knows my body needs some things it may not be getting and that is why I did not feel Him as strong. Perhaps Satan tempted me and I failed. Obviously I did fail. Did I sin? Is overeating a sin? There are so many overweight people in the world today. Are we all sinning with our weight? If our bodies are the temples for God to dwell in like the Bible says, shouldn't we try our best to take care of them? Does this include smoking, drinking, and drugs? Lots of things to ponder. I know how I feel but wonder if others think of these things also. Well, I just have to keep on keeping on. I can't quit now. I just have to remind myself how I felt in the past when my weight and cholesterol put considerable consequences on me and brought me down. I have to do this for me and my health above all. There are other reasons but those are the main ones. God give me His strength now more than ever!!
Well, I skipped yesterday's journaling. I felt there wasn't much to report. Most days are the same now. I am adjusting well to my new lifestyle. Where I still have a lot of times when I want to eat what I shouldn't, I am making it. Occasionally, I will crave something sweet. Tonight I had Health Choice Ice cream which I only allow myself 2 times a week. I went over the 2 times this week. I know it won't hurt me too bad. I'll just have to sweat it off a little more at the Y in the morning. Speaking of the Y, there is a machine there I got the nerve up to try yesterday. It is for the muscles in the belly (which I really need to strengthen and lose there). You put your feet in once place and hold your hands above your head on the handles there and pull your feet up and your hands down at the same times. It is hard to explain without seeing it. But needless to say, I am sore today. I had been doing regular crunches for my stomach but that only targets above the belly button. What I really need is below the belly button where that roll is from having babies. Well, this machine targets both areas. I could only do 20 total and I had to rest at 10. I will keep on this machine and try to work up to doing more just like I have everything there. Things are going good overall. I have lost 18 pounds in just 30 days. Pretty good I think. I have read some people losing only 5 pounds in a month. I don't feel like I am doing this unhealthy. I am just eating fruit, veggies, and very low or no fat things like tortillas or fat free cream cheese, etc. I do have some fat every day, but nothing like I was doing. Looking back I really did eat unhealthily. I know I have a long way to go, but I have come this far. I really appreciate the comments from my sister and husband. I also appreciate my husband picking restaurants to eat out at that he knows I can get something for me to eat that is not unhealthy. A place with veggies or salads. Thanks. I love you both. Most of all, I can feel God's strength around me when I think I can't go on and want to fail. He puts in my mind to have an apple or banana instead of the chocolate m & m's or whatever I normally would have eaten before I started this change of lifestyle. I pray I can keep it up even when I have lost all the weight. I will let myself have something sometimes but still keep eating healthy. I hope to reach all my goals by the end of the year. God keep giving me His strength.
Wow. I can't believe it has been 4 weeks. I am still doing pretty good physically and emotionally. It has been hard to not eat the wrong things but I have done good I think. I am trying to find a variety of things that are pretty much fat free with low calories. I have a pretty good selection. I found some veggie burgers in the frozen food section. I plan on looking for black bean burgers or making my own. I found some good recipes on the web. Not much to tell tonight. I am excited that it has been 4 weeks. I have never lasted this long. I am proud of myself but have to keep on pushing myself to reach my first goal. I am trying not to let the fact that I am slowing down on the weight loss depress me. I think my body is just trying to adjust. I am eating so I know it is not in starvation mode. I know others who have lost only a few pounds in a month like 5 so I guess I am doing good with my 17 gone in a month. I just have to keep on praying and using God's strength to get me thru the weeks and months to come. I can do it. I have come this far and it hasn't been for nothing. I can do all things thru Christ who gives me His strength. I control the hand the fork is in. No one can put me down without my permission. I can do it!!
I did not journal last night so this is for yesterday. Not much to report. I was able to go to the Y and it felt good to exercise. Thankfully the girls aren't giving me any trouble about going. I think my body is trying to slow me down on the weight loss. I have lost so far 17 pounds and am not losing as fast as I was at the beginning. I am still eating the good things. I can tell that when I am stressed I want to eat more. I guess that was my comfort. I will have to find something else like walking or reading or some other activity when I am stressed. Exercising does lower my stress level considerably. Today my nephew is having surgery and I am concerned and pray that it goes well. I guess that praying would be the ultimate thing I should do when I am stressed and want to eat. That is what I am going to start doing. Pray. Pray without ceasing like the Bible says. May God give me His peace of mind and strength for a new day and a new me.
Well, today was definitely better than this past weekend. We went to the zoo today so not only was I not eating, but we must of walked about 5 miles total. I did not get to the Y today but plan on going tomorrow. I did good not eating what I shouldn't today. Physically I feel good. I have lost about 16 pounds so far. More than halfway pound-wise to my first goal. It is exciting seeing how big some of my shorts from last year fit me. I guess I'll have to go shopping someday and get some clothes that fit. I think that will be a while from now though. It will be great to be at that stage when I am close to being done losing and can focus on maintaining. When I want to give up, I just remind myself all the reasons I need to do this. The main one that pops in my head is how I felt during all the insurance changes we just made. I was embarrassed, guilty, depressed and ashamed of myself. But I know that things are changing and I can do it. I have the support of my family and friends. Some are noticing that I am looking different either in my face or in my clothes being looser. I have adjusted to them saying things. It used to bother me when someone said something about it. I don't know why unless I was ashamed that I knew I wouldn't stick with it. I am sticking with it this time and perhaps that is why it doesn't bother me when people comment. It makes me want to keep on keeping on. Emotionally, I feel good to. By the way, for those of you reading this, you have to try a black bean burger sometime. I had one today at the zoo. It only has 1 1/2 grams of fat and it was delicious!! Tasty!! Keep praying for me all you who are reading this. I feel I am doing good even with the past falters (which weren't too bad, I just make myself feel guilty). God keep on giving me His strength to face another minute, hour, day, week, month. Praise His name for all of this. Get behind me Satan - outta the way!!
I did not journal last night so I am this morning for yesterday. I feel a little guilty because I ate more than I should have last night. It was hard not to because we had church group. I did not eat any of the desserts but I did eat a couple of bites of the main dishes and veggie dishes. Not that I did all that bad but I should not have eaten as much as I did. But today is another day and I will get back with it. I feel strong and good. The weather is beautiful and life is great. Get away from me Satan!!! God give me His strength to fight another day.
Another good day with not much to report. I am still doing good. I was very busy today. Went to the Y at 6:30am; cleaned house for 2 hours after that; did laundry; cleaned and vaccuumed van. At 3pm we took the girls to a birthday party. I did not eat any cake and ice cream. Funny, it seems some things are not even a temptation for me anymore. I did not even think of eating any cake. I guess my mind is adjusting to things to. Physically I still feel good and emotionally as well. I am still tired. More so today because of all the work I have done today. When I am at the Y and am having a hard time wanting to complete my 30 minutes on the elyptical machine, my eyes end up finding the sign they have hanging on the wall. It says 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.' And I know I can finish and I know I can keep on eating the right way because He gives me His strength. I am so blessed sometimes it scares me. I am truly rich no matter how much money I have. Thanks, God. Praise His Name.
Another day of not much to report. I still feel good though still tired. I ate a little more tonight that I ususally do with eating a veggie pizza. But still okay. I am still striving to maintain losing weight. My body is adjusting it seems. My stomach has shrunk and is okay for eating little. But it seems the more active I am, the more nutrition I need. I try to eat an apple or banana instead of anything else. Emotionally I feel good also. Though the tiredness affects my emotions also. I am still going strong and pray I continue to do so. I want to reach all my goals eventually. God give me His strength I pray.
Not much to write about today. I am still sticking with it. Not eating much and get full fast when I do eat. I am still feeling good physically and emotionally. I am tired tonight for some reason. More tired than ususal. Other than that, I feel good. I am going to just keep up the good work and fight the battle one minute at a time. God continues to bless me in so many ways. God bless the USA.
Boy, I can't believe it has been 3 weeks now. I feel like things are becoming a habit now with eating little and eating the right things. Most of the time food isn't even a temptation anymore. We just got home from a marriage seminar. I wished we could have attended all week. One thing said tonight really hit home with me. I know I have said I am doing this for no one but me. But one thing that was said was that I should try to look my best for my husband. That is one of his needs - to have an attractive wife. While I don't think of myself as ugly, I know I need imporvement especially in the weight area. So I guess I am doing this in a way for him to. I want him to be proud that I am his wife and not to be ashamed of me in any way not just weight. So I guess that is a goal of mine as well. He has never expressed in any way that he is ashamed of me and I don't think he ever would, but I am not going to put the option in front of him. So a little more encouragement for me to keep striving for my goals. I think when this is all over it will be a lifestyle change for me. God give me the strength to be the kind of woman I need to be in all areas of my life.
Another good day. I was able to do Taeb-bo this morning and it felt good to exercise. I can tell a difference in days I don't do anything as opposed to days I do exercise. I feel so much more energetic when I exercise. I am still watching what I eat. I think I have hit a plateau in the weight loss. I am going to try to stick it out until I continue to lose. I think my body is still trying to adjust even though it has been almost 3 weeks now. I still can't believe it has been that long. Perhaps my body is not going to let me lose too much too fast. I want to remain healthy about all this but it is hard to be patient when I have so much to lose. I know I don't want to use any drugs to help me. I don't know what all the side effects are. I don't want anything to happen to me later. The insurance thing still prays on my mind every now and then. I try not to let it depress me but tell myself I am doing something about it. I am not doing this for anyone but me. I want to be healthy and feel and look better. With God's help I can make it until the end of the year. That is when I have set for reaching all my goals. I pray I can do this for that long. I have almost made it a month! I have never lasted this long on any kind of weight loss action in the past. I have come to far now to turn back. God be with me until the end.
Okay, so today was a much better day than yesterday. My hormones or whatever are balanced for now. It felt good to be able to go to the Y for some exercise and 'me' time. I was strong in not eating things I shouldn't even tonight when we went to the Chinese Buffet to eat for my brother's 50th birthday party. I survived not eating cake and everything I like at the buffet. I focused on the veggies there and steered away from the fried foods. I will say I had one crab rangoon. They are good. Perhaps one will not hurt me. Things are going good for now. It is still a struggle each minute of every day. People who haven't done this don't realize how hard it is to change habits and not eat anything I want. I am sure there are other things out there that people are trying to quit. Perhaps it is the same. Like smoking, drugs, drinking, sex, etc. Some must be harder than others. I think it is different for everyone. Everyone has his/her own struggles. Mine just happens to be food. I have to remember to tell myself everyday these sayings I have learned....I need to eat to live not live to eat; I control the hand the fork is in; I am beautiful in God's eyes not matter what because He sees me through Jesus; no one can make me feel inferior without my permission. Little one-liners help me like those. I need to stay focused on my goal. My first goal is 30 pounds by the end of May. At the rate I am going, I will make it before then. It is encouraging to step on the scale and see 15 pounds gone. Praise God for His strength He gives to me.
I told myself I was going to be honest in this journal so here goes. Today I don't want to journal but I am going to. I feel a little depressed. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I have felt this way for a couple of days. I hope I can shake it soon. Feeling this way makes me want to eat more and crave the things I shouldn't, like comfort foods. I wish I was one of those people who didn't eat when I was depressed; unfortunately I am not. Funny how the body and mind work sometimes in opposite directions. My mind tells me I am doing good and have a lot to be thankful for, but my emotions and body tell me otherwise. It is hard to deal with when they are out of sync with each other. I don't want to have a relapse of my diet because I am afraid if I do, I won't have to will power to get back with it. Perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit. I am going to try to stick with it though as hard as it is somedays. I feel bombarded with skinny people or people who look like I think I should look. I know I shouldn't look at others and wish that is how I was, but I can't seem to help it sometimes. On my up days it doesn't matter what others say or look like; I know I will make it. I just have to hang on during this down time and things will get better. Like I have said before...I'll just tie a knot when I am at the end of my rope and hang on while the wind blows. I pray God gives me His strength. I am trying to give all the glory each day of my life with anything I do to Him because He is the one who gives me my life. Is it a sin to be overweight since our bodies are supposed to be temples for Him to dwell? I have often thought of that. It is soooooo hard to lose weight. I think Satan is winning a lot of battles with people and their weight. I pray he doesn't win with me.
Today was a different day. I did okay until tonight. I think my blood sugar got so low because I was so grouchy until I ate dinner. I did not drink as much water today as I usually do because we were out. I at a few jawbreakers after dinner tonight. I know they will not hurt me except for the little sugar they contain, but I still feel really guilty about it. Sometimes my body gets to craving things. We have a package of Oreo's in the frig. I would have loved to have eaten the whole package. I didn't eat any, so I guess that is something good. It was really hard tonight to stay on path towards my goal. I have lost 15 pounds so far. I need to remember that and let that keep me going forward. I can't give up now. I need God's strength more than ever to keep me going. Tonight I just wanted to say 'to heck with it all' and eat whatever I wanted. I didn't though. But was it ever hard not to. God give me Your strength to keep me striving towards my goals, especially heaven.
Another good day. It is getting to where I don't have too much to say in my journal, but I will keep it going. I feel good physically and emotionally. I am trying to tell myself I am not being obsessive about this but I think it may look that way to others. I am not eating things I think I shouldn't. Tonight we had some family over and ordered pizza. I ate my tuna with fat free mayo in a fat free pita pocket. I would have loved to have had pizza but I know I don't want to falter at all. If I do falter, I don't think I'll make it to reach all my goals. I have to be obsessive about this or I'll fail. It must be like quitting smoking cold turkey. You can't smoke another or you'll falter or fail. That is how I feel about eating and losing weight. I can't falter even once. That is the way I am. Perhaps it is different for others who can have just one or so and still do okay. It's not like I don't have anything sweet. I am letting myself have Healthy Choice Ice Cream 1/2 cup twice a week. But I make sure it is before my 7pm time limit. Nothing after 7pm to eat. I saw some disturbing pictures of anorexic women this week in an email. I think it was a good thing that I saw them. I didn't want to look at them, but I needed to be reminded that going all the way to either side is harmful. Too big or too little is not good for me either. I have a long way to go before I could look like those girls and I don't want to go that far. Seeing those pictures put things in perspective. That is an illness in the mind which I know I don't have. I will not always see myself as fat. I don't feel 'fat' now; just overweight. Perhaps there isn't any difference in being fat and overweight. To me there is. Anyway, what does it matter? I am going to reach my goals so I won't be fat or overweight. I am continuing to do good with strength from God who sustains me through every moment of every day. Praise His name!
Emotionally I am feeling really good. The weather helps a lot. It is good to get on the scale and know I am succeeding in my first goal. I know I will make it. It is very hard sometimes though but with God's strength and the prayers of those who love me, I can do it. I have started exercising here at home on days I don't go to the Y. Boy am I sore. I started doing Taebo again. It really works different muscles than I have been working at the Y. I feel good physically. Sometimes it feels good to be sore. I know I am doing what I need to be. It reminds me of how I felt in school after beginning a new season. My body had to get used to doing those things especially when I used to catch fastpitch softball. My legs were always very sore for a couple of weeks from squatting. I loved it. Anyway, things are going very well. I just have to keep it up. I am trying to train my mind still to not let myself have those things I used to eat. It is tempting when I pass a fast food restaurant to want to get a shake or something even an Icee. But I just get one for the girls and get myself some water. I know it will be worth it in the end when I reach all my goals. I will feel good, be healthier, look better and God willing, live longer. He is my strength. Without Him, I could not succeed. With Him, I am. Thanks, God.
Boy, I can't believe it has been two weeks. Part of me feels like it has been longer but another part doesn't. I am doing good. I have lost about 12 pounds so far. Pretty good I think for the first 2 weeks. It is getting easier in that my stomach has shrunk so much. I feel full very quickly. I am still not eating much each day. Sometimes I feel sick at the thought of food. I am trying to not let myself think unhealthily. I know I need to eat so I do. God sure has been a help to me. I can feel His strength when I am wanting something. I tell myself I can do it with His help and I do! Physically I feel good and emotionally I feel good also. I have to remember that I control the hand that holds the fork. Only I can do it. And I can with God's help.
Another good day. I am getting better at being able to be around others eating what I have decided not to eat or being able to fix what I have decided not to eat. I just try to keep my mind off of it. Physically I feel good and emotionally I feel better than before. I have lost 12 pounds so far in 13 days. I am proud of myself. It looks like if I can keep this pace up, that I will reach my goal of losing 30 pounds by the end of May. I am going in 30 pound increments for my goals. It seems less intimidating that saying my whole number all at once. Things are going good so far. Strength from the Lord.
I am journalling earlier in the day because I need to get this off my chest. I am going to be as honest as I can in the journal and some people close to me might be upset by it and I am sorry for that. I have to be honest here. It has been a not so good day. Not that I haven't done well on my diet because I have in that regard. Physically I feel good. It's the emotional part today. I had to confirm our health insurance today and found out that because of my weight and cholesterol, they are putting us in the second highest category which means we will pay a lot a month for our health insurance. As if I did not feel guilty enough for that, the news wasn't taken well when I told Chris. I know he probably did not even think about his reaction and how I would feel but it still hurt. So today even though I have done good on my diet and feel good physically, I am emotionally in the dumps. Some days I wish I could just go away for a while and come back when the pain is gone and the problem is solved. I know that is not healthy psychologically. And I know I can't go away from my responsibilities, but it is wishful thinking. Not that I would want to die. That is too permanent and not an option. That does not ever cross my mind. But just to go to the beach or someplace surreal like that to be alone for a while to pray and think and let time go by a little would be nice. I am sure I am not the only one who has wished this. Since I cannot go away, I'll just tie a knot at the end of my rope and hang on as best I can and hope the wind doesn't pick up any.
Another hard day. What is it about the weekend and having more people around that makes me eat more. I did not eat anything bad but I ate more than I had been. I will have to go back to eating less this week. I can tell my stomach has shrunk though. I get full easier. If I eat too much, I feel sick. I am still drinking only water. I resisted pizza and other things this weekend. I am proud of myself but feel guilty for eating more than I had been. I can't seem to get past feeling guilty. I just want to lose fast and see results fast. I have to remind myself to be healthy to. Funny no one wants to eat very healthy. I'll offer people apple or banana and they turn me down. One of my girls loves fruit. She'll eat it if I offer her. I wished I had trained both of them to eat better when they were younger. I wish I had not offered them certain things until they got older. Why is it some people like things and other don't have a problem with it? Like chocolate for instance. I don't care for much chocolate (unless it's M & M's). My weakness is just eating when I am not hungry or eating too much when I eat. I have been doing good about that though. I have to retrain my mind to only eat when I am hungry and only eat a little. Eat to live not live to eat. Eating at night has been a bad thing for me in the past to. It is not as hard as I thought it would be to not eat past 7pm. I just tell myself that is what I am going to do. Even if we are out somewhere, I'll skip it if it is past 7pm. I can drink my water. One thing that is really helping me to be serious about this lifestyle change is that I feel healthy emotionally. I feel I have matured in the past 6 months. Chris has been a real support to me to help me to grow that way. He has always been mature and level-headed. Thanks Chris for being the kind of man you are and giving the support you give me. The problems we have gone thru as a couple have matured us not only together but also individually. I feel mature enough to have the will power to do this. Three more days and it will be 2 weeks already. Hard to believe it. I am proud that I have lasted this long. God has given me His strength and continues to do so. I cannot do this alone. I give Him the glory.
What a beautiful day today was. We have company this weekend so I have been eating more than usual but still not eating what I shouldn't. They had pizza tonight but I fixed myself a fat free grilled chicken wrap with rice and cheese. All fat free. Funny listening to people talk about diet and weight. Like me, I hear people say 'I need to lose weight.' Until now that is all I did was talk. Finally I am acting on it. I can't believe it has been 10 days already. I am really proud of myself for sticking with it this long. I have lost 10 pounds as of this morning. I still find myself feeling guilty for eating even healthy things like an apple. I am trying to eat fruit everyday as well as protein and a little carbohydrate. All I am drinking is still water. I found some sparkling water that is flavored. It tastes good. I still struggle with wanting to give up and eat 3 pieces of pizza, but I refuse to. I have to talk to myself and give myself a pep talk. I am really succeeding though. Physically right now I feel very full. I feel bloated though. Mentally I feel pretty good. I need to get past the guilt part. I don't want to become unhealthy in my thinking about eating. Sometimes I feel on the brink of thinking that I should not eat at all because of the guilt. But deep inside me I know that I have to eat to live and have enough energy to take care of my girls. I pray God will heal not only my body to be healthy but also my mind to think healthily. I have to remember to 'eat to live not live to eat.'
Today was another good day. I feel guilty though because I did eat a little more that I have been. Nothing I ate was bad though. I just feel like it was too much. My stomach was upset again tonight so I guess my dinner doesn't count since it did not stay with me long. Salads tend to do that to me sometimes. Funny watching what other people eat when I am trying to eat healthy. I am trying to get my dad to eat healthier also. I did talk him into eating a healthier lunch and he did. It is all about choices and the will power to make those choices. I am growing stronger in my will power. Sometimes it is still hard to stick with it especially when others around me are eating doughnuts and french fries and pizza. But I am determined to succeed in my goals. Reading about others' success helps me. I know I don't have to lose 200 pounds but I am inspired when I read about someone who has lost 100 or 200 pounds. It makes me feel like I will and can succeed. But I know I can't by myself. God is my helper and makes me strong. He is the only one who can really help me 24/7. Thanks for being my strength and shield from food. So far I have lost 8 pounds in just 9 days. Pretty good I think. At this rate I should be able to reach my first goal by the end of May. I have to keep up the good work. I know I can succeed because I have the strongest ally in my heart.
I am really proud of myself today. I was really strong despite the fact that the girls wanted to order Papa John's Pizza. It smelled really good until I got a whiff of the garlic sauce. That turned me off. I did not eat any of it. Luckily, Chris finished it off so it won't be a temptation for me. I find myself looking at the labels more at the grocery and not buying a lot of stuff I used to buy. Even for the girls I am buying healthier things to eat. My stomach has been upset tonight. I hope I am not hurting it drinking the fruit flavored water. It has a new sweetner in it. I am going to lay off it for a while and drink regular water and another brand of fruited water I found. I know having the big D won't be good for me since I am eating so little. I don't need to lose the nutrients I am getting. It was a good day. I tried to keep myself busy. I have found not only does my body have to adjust to the amount I eat but my mind is having to adjust also. At one point today, I was not even hungry but my mind said 'Why don't you go get a .... to eat.' I caught my mind saying this to my body. Old habits are hard to break but I did not fall. I feel stronger each day. If I can resist pizza, perhaps I am finally getting there. I know I have a long way to go but I will be at my first goal in a couple of months if I keep losing like I am. Like my sister said to me 'inch by inch is a cinch.' Thanks, sis. Love you to.
Well, I have made it one week. I have done very good. I have lost about 7-8 pounds in one week. Pretty good I think. It will probably taper off when my body goes out of shock and realized this is the way it is going to be for a while. On the negative side...I am hungry. There feels like a big pit in my stomach tonight. I think Wednesdays are going to be hard because we eat supper early and then go to church. And since I am not eating after about 7pm, I will not eat for more than 12 hours. But I am going to do it. I have come to far to stop now and the results are promising. Today at the Y, I had a good workout. I was on a machine that is harder than the one I ususally do. I have never done 30 minutes on it in the weight loss category until today. Want to know what gave me inspiration? On the bicyle in front of me was a mentally challenged man. A woman was with him trying to help him pedal the bike. He tried so hard and did it a little. She then took him back to a treadmill. I thought to myself, here I was struggling with all I have to try and do and look at what he has to struggle with everyday. Sure he probably doesn't know what he is doing, but I do. I know that he was out there giving it his best shot to exercise. I have the privilege of being a member of the YMCA and have the opportunity to exercise pretty much whenever I want to or can. What do I have to complain about? Petty things. He did not even look like he needed to exercise, but the people taking care of him know it is good for him. I am glad to know for now that I can take care of myself. Another reason to stay healthy. I don't want to have to depend on others to take care of me until I have to. On another note, is it possible to lose the roll that you get when your stomach gets so stretched out from pregnancy? I have all these stretch marks below my belly button where my roll is. Will it be possible to lose this? I am trying and I hope so. Well, on to week 2. God be with me to give me strenth.
It is hard to believe I have already been at this almost a week now. I am still doing good. I still feel the pit in my stomach. I can tell this is all affecting me physically to. My monthly cycle came 2 days early and it is not like I usually have. They say some women athletes don't even have a monthly cycle anymore. I guess my body is trying to figure out what in the world is going on. I don't feel tired or run down like I thought I would eating so little. I guess since I am eating the right things, they are giving me the energy I need. I can't tell if it is getting easier or not. Everything is still a struggle. I have to constantly remind myself to not eat what I have been so used to eating. How long does it take a habit to become a habit? Two weeks, six weeks? I can't remember. I wonder if I will always have to remind myself to not eat certain things when I have to fix them or see them. I am listening to Peter Gabriel's 'Don't Give Up' right now. It says I am the only one. I know it is talking about something else but I am applying it to myself. I will not be giving up. I have already done almost a week now. I feel like I have already come to far to give up now. I can't wait to feel and see the new me in a few months when I reach my first goal. It will be great to feel that way again. The next song I am hearing is 'In Your Eyes' and I know I am beautiful to God because He looks at my heart not what my body looks like. I know others may tell me I am beautiful or pretty but my self doubt tells me that perhaps they are saying in their heads 'but she really would be prettier if she could lose ... weight.' I am not doing this for them or anyone. Only for me. I am the only one who can control me and I am the one who holds the fork. With God's help I am going to win my battle and reach my goals. On to victory!!
Today was another good day. It is easier when I am busy so even though the girls were in school, I tried to stay busy. I went to the Y for a great workout. Then did some stuff for church that kept my mind off eating. Have you ever noticed how many food commercials there are on TV? No wonder most of America is overweight. I find myself still struggling with the guilt of eating. I know I need to eat and it is okay to eat what I am when I am, but I still feel guilty. I am trying to not let that consume me. However, I am always thinking about not eating or about what I will eat for my next meal. I think thinking ahead is perhaps helping me. It's not that I am always thinking about food. I am just trying to help myself remember that I should not eat except what I have decided is okay. Normally I would have a 'taste' of whatever I were fixing for the girls like a cheese puff if I was fixing them some or a cookie if I were getting the girls one. No longer am I going to do that. I am not even licking my fingers if some chocolate gets on there from a cookie or something. I go to the sink to wash it off. Perhaps that is silly, but I know deep within me that if I get a taste of it, I will want it even more. I am still going strong though. The hunger pains are beginning to feel like normal. I find when I eat, I fill up quickly. I could not eat all I had planned for lunch today. The bad thing is that I get hungry soon after I eat. I am still reaching for the water bottle instead of food. It is helping. I am only drinking water except for a very small glass of juice with breakfast. Truth be known, I cannot wait to be smaller in size. To be able to wear whatever I want, to do what I want that perhaps I was too embarrassed to do before. I don't think it is bad to look at the future and want it if it is a healthy future I am looking forward to. I don't want to wish any part of my life away but I want to be healthy quickly. I am trying to be patient and keep telling myself that I am at a week almost already. Honestly, I have never lasted a week. The most I have ever lasted has been about 1-2 days. Sad isn't it? But this time is going to be different. I think the hard part is about to hit in a few days though. The is the time of the month where I usually start to crave chocolate. I will have to get myself through this and remember that God is not putting me through this without being there to help me. He is giving me strength. I can feel it. Thank you, God. I don't know what I would do without You.
Today was another good day. We were busy with church and then shopping for a baby shower that was tonight. All in all I did not eat very much because there wasn't time. Those days are easier. It was hard to resist all the food at the shower. Luckily someone made some fat free ham tortillas. It wasn't easy to resist all the desserts though but I did. I have to remind myself that just one can cause me to fall. I might reward myself after I reach my goals. Maybe I'll go get a lowfat Baskin Robins or Maggie Moos ice cream. The hardest thing is still when I am hungry. I try to reach for a bottle of water which fills me up. I am drinking a new water that tastes like different fruits. It is pretty good. It is a variety rather than just plain water and it is still all the benefits of water. When thinking about doing the journaling part of my adventure, I was embarrassed at first. Then I got to thinking that I should be embarrassed more about NOT doing something about the problem I have. I am only human. But I have pride and it is a hard thing to get over. Sometimes it is good to be brought down to a low point. It has been a wake up call to me this last few weeks. I really feel different about this time trying to lose weight. I feel more serious. Maybe I am finally maturing? It is about time. I am 35. There are a lot of things I regret in the past like everyone has. There are 2 things about my weight problem that I regret that stems from the past. I regret no one telling me to change my diet in college after I quit playing all those high school sports because that is when I started putting on weight. The second thing I regret I cannot remember what I was going to say. If I remember I'll put it in Day Five. Keep on running the race toward the goal. Start with the end in mind.
I am writing this on the morning of day four. I had another good day. I went to the Y and had a good workout. It is hard to eat anything without feeling guilty. I am trying to not fall into the trap of feeling guilty even when eating healthy. I know I need to eat to keep my strength up. I don't want to become anorexic in my thinking and stop eating. I know that will be bad on my body especially my heart. I have lost so far a few pounds in just 3 days. I am proud of myself. I just have to keep reminding myself to be patient. I want results NOW, but I know that won't happen. Yesterday afternoon we ate lunch late and I was very hungry. I was craving anything to eat. I did not falter though. The hardest part besides wanting things I should not have like sweets is not eating anything after about 7pm. I am trying to eat supper around 6pm and if I have to have something, I'll eat 1/2 cup of Healthy Choice ice cream but always before 7:30 at the latest. I think my stomach is adjusting to it all. I have to adjust my mind as well. I find myself cooking 2 or 3 different things between the girls, Chris and me. I am not going to eat the same things they are like chicken nuggets. If I have to cook 2 different meals, then I will. I have been thinking about the addiction of food. I think that is what I have. Otherwise, why would I eat when I am not hungry or use the 'comfort foods' everyone always talks about. Food is to me what pornography must be to some men. It is a struggle that will always be there and always have to be worked on to fight. That is overwhelming to think that I will always have to struggle to fight with my weight. I know I will always have to eat right to maintain what I am going to lose. But it is worth the fight. To feel good, to be able to go into a clothing store and find things that fit in the right size (I have always refused to buy above a certain size), to do things with my kids that will be easier without all this weight, to perhaps have my husband tell me that I look great in a certain dress, etc.; these will all be worth the fight. 'I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength.'